Why My Stating My Dating Preference Chafes People

Vena Moore
ZORA
Published in
4 min readMay 13

We need to unpack this.

Photo by Austin Wilcox on Unsplash

I’ve received some interesting responses to my last piece. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a good way. I knew a piece with a title like, “Why I Won’t Date A Bus Driver” might be considered clickbait by some people and figured I’d get pushback. Those expectations were met. Now, rather than respond to those comments individually and have them get buried, I’m taking the time to address them here.

Why The Statement “You Should Have Chosen Better” Is Problematic

In my last piece, I described some of my negative experiences with some of the men I dated in the past who were in a lower tax bracket and had less education than me. As if on cue, one of the comments I received was:

“You should have chosen better.”

It’s irritating that whenever women speak about negative aspects of their relationships with men, some people chime in with the phrase that they should have chosen better. That statement is dismissive as well as judgmental because it assumes that women should have a crystal ball to see into the future so we could avoid problematic men. Despite what some men believe, women don’t have clairvoyance.

I went into each of those relationships with the hope that those men would be my partner. I hoped that our class differences wouldn’t matter and that love would be enough. I wanted them to show kindness, integrity, mutual respect, emotional intelligence as well as good communication skills. Unfortunately, in the long run, I didn’t get those things. Love alone wasn’t enough. I got lies, rudeness, disrespect, gaslighting, and bouts of silence.

Many people start relationships on their best behavior because they want to impress their new lover. It can take months or years before a person becomes invested enough in the relationship and comfortable around someone before they shed their mask and reveal their true self. This is what happened in each of my past relationships.

Each of those men probably thought they could handle being with someone like myself who was more accomplished than them. After a while, they exposed their insecurities once the realization kicked in that our values and interests didn’t mesh.

Vena Moore
ZORA
Writer for

Dismantling white, male supremacy one word at a time.