When the ‘Fat Friend’ Is Your Identity, Change Seems Impossible
I thought I was comfortable in assuming a role, but now I want something different
“Sorry I can’t come; I don’t like amusement parks and I’m afraid of rollercoasters” is a lie I told friends many times.
I’d gone a few times with family but always carefully researched the rides and their weight limits beforehand to determine whether I’d attempt to ride or just tell everyone I wasn’t interested. Because the truth is, I have always been afraid of getting to the front of the line for a ride and being told I’m too fat to get on.
Recently, I realized this was one of my first acts of treating myself as the fat friend and excluding myself from things that I decided weren’t for people like me. While I’ve been fat my entire life, it has always been something I tried to hide. I thought if I didn’t mention it, no one would notice and it’d go away. Obviously that wasn’t true, but it didn’t stop me from pretending it was. I wanted to lose weight, but something was stopping me. That something was the fact that I’d grown accustomed to being the “fat friend”.
I remember being a teenager who loved to dance but feared being laughed at even more. Before going to a party, I would practice choreography in my room for days, but…
