What if My Family Doesn’t Feel Like Family?

Safety is a fundamental need, and families set the foundation of our safety, but sometimes family isn’t our safe space

Photo by Daniel Cheung on Unsplash

We’re coming upon what is perhaps the most notorious time of the year, the holiday season. There are usually two camps of people during the holiday season, those who love it and those who don’t. For those who love this time of year, gathering with family is one of the best things about it. For those who don’t, it’s because gathering with family is one of the worst things about it. We can’t all be as lucky as Dom and the Fast family.

My dad made it a point to impart as much wisdom as he could during my childhood. I can admit that I didn’t always understand, and he would tell me, “You don’t understand what I’m saying right now. You think I’m being mean. But don’t worry. One day you will.” One piece of wisdom he repeatedly gave sounded like this, “Don’t get caught up in the titles of people in your life. Cousin, Auntie, Mama. Just cause they’re your family doesn’t mean they’re your people cause family will do you worse than a person on the street. You know Cain killed Abel.”

Some of you may think as I once did regarding what my dad said. Wow, that’s so mean. When you come from a loving, supportive family where there is mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance; where family gatherings are filled with fun and camaraderie, you have no real understanding of what a privilege that is.

But I did as the old folks advise and kept living, and came to understand what my dad meant. He was saying that there can be a difference between our expectations of family and the reality of who they are. We expect families to share love, commitment to shared values and goals, and support for one another. We expect to feel seen, heard, and accepted by family. Simply put, we expect to be safe with our family.

Safety isn’t limited to our physical well-being. It includes our mental, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being. Family is the foundation of our lives — whether they are safe or unsafe. We inherit from our family before we even exit our mother’s womb, and we indirectly inherit the patterns of behavior from our family. As such, our family needs to be our safe space…