How to Grieve When You Can’t Say Goodbye
Covid took my fiance. I’m still learning to let go.
“There is no me without you” — a cliché that is often referred to when speaking about lovers. Looking at his pictures defined a time in my life that was incredible, and for some reason, I thought that I had been the source of my own happiness. It was long after he died that I realized that I was not the one that made my life incredible and adventurous but it was him. It was him that built me up and lifted my spirits when I was losing hope. It was him who encouraged me to build a home from the ground up so my son would have a better way of life. It was him that encouraged me to finish writing my book. No one else encouraged me the way that he did.
I wish we had more time.
I remember uttering the word “Covid” to the nurses who just said, “Here is where you say goodbye.”
I’m no stranger to loss and grief. When my mother died of “the ‘C’ word” (cancer), people surrounded me with warm smiles, pound cake, and spaghetti that someone brought over to comfort me during my time of grief. But I was unprepared to deal with a loss from the other “C” word. When my fiance died from Covid-19, things were different.
During a pandemic and in the age of social distancing the ones that could comfort you could only drive by in a caravan of cars like a parade moving through a rural town. With people holding signs while driving slowly down my block that said, “RIP David we love you,” as members of my family slowly traveled down my suburban street to offer condolences to the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
“It takes time to heal,” “I know it is hard,” “You will never get over it but it will get better,” were all sentiments that were uttered at one point or another as I tried to get over what seemed like a sci-fi horror movie in the making. See, this time was unlike any other that I had experienced before, I took my fiancé to the hospital where tents were set up outside while nurses came with wheelchairs. I remember uttering the word “Covid” to the nurses who just said, “Here is where you say goodbye.” My fiancé and I looked at each other and we both said, ugh no, “See you later.”
