Member-only story
My Addictions Have Gotten Worse During Quarantine
Self-isolation overwhelms one’s ability to manage the worst things that lurk inside us
I was 27 in 1994 when I realized I had a serious problem with food. My drug of choice was sugar, and that was the beginning of decades of trying to get off of it. I’ve given up processed sugar as many times as the most persistent ex-smoker. I worked with therapists of all kinds and tried everything from food plans to acupuncture to meditation. I saw how closely entwined my sugar dependence was with my chronic depression.
Over the past four years, I found two powerful healers who finally got me to the brink of giving up sugar for good. It required managing my depression so the episodes are shorter and further apart. I dug into the emotional pain that kept me returning to sweets and healed everything that came up. I kicked processed sugar (again) this past January, and for the first time, I didn’t feel any cravings — physical or emotional. I felt euphoric. I’d done it! After 26 years of struggling, my life was going to be so much better! I sailed through the winter months in triumph, managing my desire for sweets with fruit and extra dark chocolate.
Then March came.
You couldn’t create a better set of circumstances to get someone with an addiction problem to start using again.
In March, some of my familiar depression symptoms overcame me. Sure, I’d finally achieved my 26-year-old goal of kicking the sugar habit, but I was fat because of sugar, I had health problems because of sugar, my energy sucked because of sugar, and I found myself giving into anger and shame. It was actually the week before Chicago began shutting down that I petulantly bought cookies and ate them while standing on the train platform. When I learned Illinois was going to shelter in place starting on March 21, my shopping cart included ice cream, a tub of vanilla cake frosting, and baking ingredients. It was an emergency: What better time to lay in a supply of the foods that had always soothed me?
I soon learned firsthand why isolation is the worst thing for an addict. I already knew it was a bad idea for someone in depression, but…
