I Don’t Actually Want This Relationship

My heart and mind were opposed, so I gave myself permission to choose the truth

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

I loved a man once. Fiercely and deeply. At least I thought so at the time. I saw the depths of his soul each time I looked into his eyes. Eyes are my favorite thing about people and the first thing I notice. The eyes tell so much. I saw so much when I looked into his eyes, and I was hooked in that instant. I saw humor and tenderness. But what I really saw was profound grief. I think that’s the main thing that led me to believe that I loved him. I recognized that pain. I carried a similar pain myself. It was something that neither of us could put into words — or we simply chose not to. I saw something else too. It was one of the things that I recognized almost instantly. It was his inability, or unwillingness, (or even both) to fully give himself over to love me.

You’d think that would have given me pause to dive into the waters of love with and for him. If you did, you’d be wrong. I bellyflopped my way in, immersing myself in the hope that perhaps I could love enough for the both of us. I won’t put any pressure on him or this relationship, I told myself. I’ll simply give this a chance to be whatever it can be and enjoy the ride. I believed me too. And for a brief time, I enjoyed myself. But what began as a hopeful…