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It’s Time to Dispel the Myths About Dating While Fat
In this week’s column, Feminista takes on the so-called taboo of being a ‘big girl’ and why the mainstream has got it wrong
I first became aware that being fat put me in a separate category of women as a teenager, when men began saying things like “Big girls need love, too!” or “I like my women thick, Big Mama!” as they passed me on the street. It continues to this day. To them, I’m not just a woman, I am a big woman, and for a long time, the way men commented about my body size made me uncomfortable. Their comments were attempts at being flattering, and they thought they were doing me a favor by showing “appreciation” for my size in a society that regularly rejects the idea that fat women are beautiful and sexy. I’ve never asked for that kind of favor, though, so it still weirds me out when it happens.
Fatphobia, or the fear of or disdain for fatness or fat people, heavily influences the ways in which a woman’s overall social value is assessed. From being bullied in school and being go-to targets of comedy routines, to being erased from popular culture and discriminated against in the workplace, fat women often feel disrespected, unappreciated, uncared for, and undervalued. We’re thought to be lazy, unhealthy, sloppy, dirty, or weak, and little consideration is given to our unique personalities, our strengths and accomplishments, or our overall contributions to society. Fat women experience anti-fat discrimination up to 16 times more often than men, making fatphobia a largely gendered issue. And when it comes to dating and relationships, being fat, particularly as women, has generally been a deterrent for potential suitors because we’re seen more as liabilities than assets, largely based on fatphobic stereotypes.
For too long, I believed that no one would want me because I was fat, and those thoughts skewed my decision-making when it came to dating and sexual intimacy. I regularly settled for partners who fell far below my personal standards because I believed, like many people do, that I shouldn’t be picky. I was eager to have companionship and afraid no one would ever want to marry me, so I might as well take what I could get. I learned early on that fat women are…
